Friday, February 19, 2010

this is all wrong

Sometimes God reminds me of things at the most random times. I came into work at 9:30 this morning (because of an 8:30 a.m. physical therapy appointment) and, as I was hanging up my coat in the hallway behind my desk, suddenly it occurred to me that all of this time I keep trying to live my own life plan. Just like that, the thought came to me.

I don't even mean to have a life-plan; I don't have one on purpose. (It was already messed up 2 years ago when I met Bryce right at the beginning of my 3-year-just-work-and-no-marriage plan.) But deep within me I have somehow determined what is the right/best/good way for Jana's life to go. And when it doesn't match up with that, when my life may not be going according to Jana's pre-decided-inner-plan, I start becoming worried and anxious. Subconsciously there starts to build up feelings of insecurity and frustration and unbalance.

And then the lies come (bringing with them guilt and panic):
Something must be wrong.
Something is wrong.
I've made a mistake.
I'm failing.
This is going to turn out all wrong.
I'm going to pay for this for the next 4 (or 24) years of my life.
I'm wrong.

WRONG. The wordsmith in me decided to go look up this word in the thesaurus right now, because I just realized that it seems to come up so often in my subconscious.

wrong = wide of the mark, erroneous, mistaken, sinful, amiss, not right, damage

How can one live with this continual inner accusation? You can't; it's exhausting. I must remember truth:
God does not lead me wrong.
God forgives and gives grace - even to me!
God is in the business of bringing redemption.
God is consumed with bringing glory to Himself - and He will do this in my life!
God will redeem the next 4 (or 24!) years (if I have actually done something wrong).
I am loved!

So, I say to myself: Hello, Jana Alexis! Do you realize that Jana's "wrong" direction or decision may in fact be God's right? Do you remember that He knows you and is leading you? Do you realize that His plan is best and good, even though you may not fully comprehend it? Do you trust Jesus?

2 comments:

  1. good job replacing lies with truth sweetie! you just punched Satan in the face because he's the father of lies! :-) (Jn 8:44b)

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  2. I needed that. I do that so often my self and yes, it is exhausting! It makes me more frustrated, anxious, and panicked faster then anything else. We all have to learn to just lean on God and His truth.

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