Monday, March 9, 2015

Beyond Me

In bed Wednesday night. You know how it is: a sign of relief, we've made it--I've been looking forward to this since I woke up this morning. Then, a text from a foster case worker: there's a little girl sitting in an office. No family came forward to take her. Mom is out of the picture right now. Will you take her?

A picture of her sitting alone began to haunt us. It would have been so much easier just to cozy-up in bed and respond: not this time. But serving is usually not easy or convenient (or conducive to sleep, apparently), and so we couldn't say no. We got up to make a bed and scrounge up some pajamas.

Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe

Her hair was in a big puff on top of her head. Beautiful dark brown eyes and she said the cutest little "yes." A brief chat with the case worker, and then I'll never forget the way "Z's" face crumpled as she said goodbye to the only vaguely familiar face she knew at that moment in her life. I picked her up, held her close, rocked back & forth and spoke reassuring words. Singing her to sleep, I tried to remember all of the songs I knew with the name "Jesus" throughout so that I could pray His Name of Peace over her.

You gave me the stars put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
Yeah, it's out of my league
It's way beyond me

We were in a position to know. And, once we knew, we were compelled to step forward and care. I'm not superwoman. The days are long, the laundry is endless, the house is just plain dirty and Saturday night the frustration had built to the point of screaming-in-my-head (a 2 hour standoff to swallow one bite of chili will do that to you). But I feel convicted that I am to love & serve the least & the lost--and right now this is how we can do it in our little corner of the world.

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me counting on You
I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Trading it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe

How thankful I am for a situation in my life where I so desperately need Jesus! Managing for 24 hours on my own with a 3 year old, 2.5 year old, and 15 month old. Trying to communicate to JD why we are caring for "Z" and why he must be kind to her and share his toys. Figuring out how to show love to a precious little girl, who doesn't care to be touched and has a hard time expressing what she needs.
 You take me to the place where I know I need You
Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own
And Lord I know, I know I need You
So take me to Your great unknown    ~"Beyond Me" Toby Mac

"Do something hard." I hear Jesus saying this to me. 
And so we say "yes" on a random Wednesday night at 10 p.m.

(A note: "Z's" journey is exponentially more difficult and heart-breaking than my own.....I do not intend to diminish her story in any way.....more to come...)
I heard this song quite a few times on the radio this weekend
and it resonates with me. (Plus, it's a fun dance song.)

1 comment:

  1. Jana, you're such a blessing and encouragement to me. I pray you are given strength as you continue to press on in obedience to Christ. I love you and your family. :)